Dilbert - in real life

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-comic-strip-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes from the managers we work for in corporate America.

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."

Some more random quotes:

"If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter."- John Gotti

"The secret of successful managing is to keep the five guys who hate you away from the four guys who haven't made up their minds."- Casey Stengel

"Management by objective works - if you know the objectives. Ninety percent of the time you don't."- Peter Drucker

"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"- Homer Simpson

"Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."- Jim Murray

"The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind."Gen. Joe Stillwell

"The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill."- Robert Heller

"Everyone rises to their level of incompetence."- Dr. Lawrence Peter

"The only time some people work like a horse is when the boss rides them."- Gabriel Heatter

"To make a long story short, there's nothing like having a boss walk in."- Doris Lilly